2022 Turkey Dart Invitational

 Posted by Raymond Van Barneveld

Greetings,

After spending the last 12 years at IK-2 Mordova for the possession of illegal dart paraphernalia to be sold at the Izheysk open I am glad to report I am home in the Netherlands.

OVERHEARD: Joe Kubes plans to purchase new darts for use at this years 18th annual Turkey Dart Championship.  I was told MJ Crown had asked specifically for Joe to NOT buy the darts that hit the board sideways.

POLICE BLOTTER: The man who was detained at the Walmart Supercenter parking lot on El Camino drive in Durango with the "I Identify as Non-Bidenary" bumper sticker was identified as Montana native Ken Smith.  Smith said he was in town to assist with Lauren Boebert's recount committee and fell asleep in his truck after downing a "few" Busch Lights.

Plenty of excitement for next weeks Turkey Dart Championship to be held at the Kubes household.  This year will be the 18th edition of the tournament(to include the Covid 2020 year). What gracious hosts they have made through the years and this year should be a great time for all.

Chairman for this years event will be Mike Crown, assisted by President of Dart Operations (PODO) Lauren Pettis and recently announced is the addition of Jr. assistant to the assistant of the PODO, Carter Kubes.  

You can imagine my surprise when I recently reviewed the list of champions "Top Dogs" from the last 12 years.  Sure, I wasn't surprised to see Joe "Rubix" Kubes on there, of course Mike Crown is on there and even a mostly sober Darren Pettis or Aaron Smith makes some sense, but who is Travis Smith and how did Vickie Raabe win 2X and was Sheila Pettis the only one playing in 2021?

OK, You've waited long enough.  Here are the odds for the 2022 Turkey Dart Championship:

ROY SULLIVAN 

On Saturday morning June 25th 1977, Roy Sullivan was struck by lightning while fishing in a freshwater pool.  It was the 7th time in his life that Roy had been hit by lightning earning him the nickname the "Human Lightning Rod".  The chances of being hit by lightning 7X are 1 in 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.  This is the same chance that Sheila Pettis has at repeating as the Top Dog in this years tourney.  Also in this group with similar odds are Deb Kubes and MJ Crown.  

LUCILE RANDON

Lucile Randon of France is currently 118 years, 280 days old.   Competitors Handsome Dick Crown and his brother Glenn Crown are old enough to have autographed copies of the Bible.  Odds 500 to 1.

KIRK COUSINS

Career mediocre performer Kirk Cousins always seems like he is good enough to win, but flames out in the bright lights.  Career dart under performers Nick Pettis, Curt Raabe and Jason McCabe should all have a Top Dog championship to their names by now.  Maybe this will be the year?  Odds 200 to 1

JACK HARLOW

Just like Gen Z's breakout rapper, these competitors are over confident, brash, and delusional.  Charlie Pettis, Connor Crown, Will Crown and Carter Kubes have all improved their darts game over the years.  Charlie Pettis even co-managed a victory in 2019, however having your partner be Mike Crown is like having your quarterback be Tom Brady. Odds 179 to 1 

Fallon Sherrock

Fallon Sherlock famously became the 1st woman to win a match at the PDC World Championships advancing to the 3rd round of the tournament.  Vickie Raabe (our 1st women's champion) and her daughter Tracey McCabe have been remarkably consistent through the years.  Could the insane amount of children Tracey has had become a distraction to both mom and grandma?  We shall see: Odds 125 to 1

PHIL TAYLOR

Phil Taylor is darts16X World Champion, 13X player of the year and considered the greatest player of all time.  Joe "Rubix" Kubes, "The Mechanic" Jason Raabe and of course "Magic" Mike Crown are in this group.  A combined 9 Top Dog finishes out of the 1st 17 years.  Odds 15 to 1

THE FIELD

If you plan on placing your bet at Mystic Lake Casino, this year you will have the option to bet"the field".  You get paid if any member of "the field" wins the tournament.  This years members of "the field" include, Jackie Crown, Jenny Raabe, Sherwood, Smith brothers and family, Darren Pettis, Pettis relative, random Kubes relative, "White Claw" Claire, Calissa & Mom of Calissa, Daughters of Joe & family of daughters of Joe, Charlie's girlfriends or as he refers to them Charlie's Angels, PODO,  College friends of PODO, Will and Ben Raabe, and anyone else that shows up invited or not invited. Odds 5 to 1.

Special note to boyfriends or girlfriends of family members.  You are welcome to play in the Turkey Dart Championship.  Please keep in mind that if you decide to play in and win the tournament you have essentially locked into another year in your relationship with your significant other.  You are required to attend the following year to defend your championship.  If you choose not to, you will be unmercifully booed at the reading of the champions just like Travis Smith is every year.  That said, I know Jackie Crown is praying that Calissa wins so that she will be back in 2023.

Doei!

RVB

T.D.C. 2009 Betting Odds

My apologies for the lack of communique regarding this year's tournament, however the author suffered a rather dramatic shock at the tournament in 08' and the ripple effects are still being felt. Luckily, a surprise personal visit from 2008 champion Joe "Rubix" Kubes last night has refueled the jets and without further ado, let's get this started.

Zero Chance- Theoretically it would be impossible for anyone entered in the tournament to have a zero % chance of winning. However, as the commercial says "impossible is nothing" and even though I love her, Mary Jo Crown has absolutely no chance of winning. The dart board actually believes it is on break when Mrs. Crown is launching darts at every angle in the general direction of the board. Sorry Mom. Oh, I almost forgot. There is one other individual that has zero percent chance of winning. KARLY KUBES!! KARLY KUBES HAS ZERO PERCENT CHANCE OF WINNING!! KARLY KUBES WILL BE HIDING FROM THE VENGEFUL WRATH OF THE AUTHOR IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY NO LESS. KARLY KUBES IS APPARENTLY NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE FOLLOWING TERMS: REMATCH, BEST TWO OUT OF THREE, DO OVER, PRACTICE GAME, THIS ONE IS FOR REAL, ETC. (Author's side note that he maintains no hard feelings)

150 to 1- Now I've heard through an inside source that Sheila Pettis (75 to 1 in 2008) expected her odds to improve after a decent showing in 08'. Unfortunately, the chances that she could run together back to back above average performances actually diminishes her chances twofold. It would be like seeing Haley's Comet two straight years.

75 to 1- This category will be occupied by any random person that shows up that usually ask the question "What tournament?" Examples: Random Kubes relatives, Smith relatives, Friends, Neighbors etc. It is highly unlikely that anyone in this category has gone through the exhaustive mental and physical preparation required to win this event or in the case of the Smith Brothers be sober enough to see straight.

50 to 1- Vicki Raabe and Glenn Crown chime in. These former South Dakota State Jackrabbit dart throwers will try and revive the glory of the Jackrabbits after a devastating 3 point loss to the Gophers.

40 to 1- Well, Brett Favre is 40 and he can still throw well. That has to be a tremendous relief to tournament host Deb Kubes. Like Favre, Kubes will need to rely on her cagey veteran skills and tournament experience to pull her through. Earlier this year Carter Kubes coaxed his mother back from retirement by saying "I want you to win one more" (Author's note: Carter is very young and unaware that his mother has actually never won, so to not hurt his feelings please just go with it when you talk to him.)

35 to 1 Love is in the air. Jenny Raabe and Tracey Raabe are no doubt too consumed with thoughts of unicorns and rainbows and cotton candy and their beau's to be really serious about a dart tournament.

30 to 1 Jackie Crown. Need to be careful with this one. She is reading this over my shoulder at the moment. You are a really good dart player. Yes, I agree, whatever you say, boys listen to your mother.....moving on...

25 to 1 Continual tournament disappointments "Handsome" Dick Crown and Curt Raabe enter the mix. Keep in mind both of these players own dart boards and have a considerable amount of experience. "Handsome's" greatest moment continues to be when he pushed his son to the brink of elimination in 07' only to be denied by the "phenom". Only outdone by blowing a 3 shot lead on hole 18 at Valley View in 06' to "the mechanic" and the "phenom" on a par 3 nonetheless. You get the point.

5 to 1 Here come the perennial favorites. "Never Nervous" Nick Pettis actually changed his job as a full time teacher to "technology czar" at Black Hawk Middle School to give himself more time to work on his dart game. Nick has been runner up in the past and many feel it is just a matter of time before his name is etched on the plaque of fame.

4 to 1 It's all former champions from here on. The Author still believes he has the goods to bring home a championship. Yes, he tasted defeat by the aforementioned KARLY KUBES, but was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Not even close.

3 to 1 Obviously I found it more than conspicuous when 08' champion Joe Kubes showed up at my door at 7pm last evening unannounced. Seeing that it is roughly 300 miles from my house to his I found his excuse "I was just in the neighborhood" slightly alarming. Clearly realizing his gaffe he changed his tune to something far more believable like "I have a presentation at the casino tomorrow". Right. It is obvious Kubes was in town 10 days before the tourney to scout the person he considers his biggest competitor. He was clearly sneaking around and asking peculiar questions in an attempt to get a handle on the readiness of yours truly. I didn't even mention that he brought switchblade knives as presents for my 6 and 8 year old sons. Is this some type of conspiracy? Am I going to take a knife wound to the index finger from one of my own children in exchange for Bakugan toys or Wii video games? I am concerned.

2 to 1 And then there was 1. Jason "the mechanic" Raabe, the only player with 2 titles, has all the intangibles to win another. May have to break out the let's get the kids to get Jason to play Spy with them so he misses his turn strategy.

Good Luck to all!!!

Smith resurfaces at Montana health care debate

More than a year after Ken Smith disappeared into the Montana wilderness he has returned to the city he calls home. Smith, looking like the singer from ZZ Top, lambasted Bozeman City Councilwoman Sharon King over her remarks supporting the House version of the health care bill. Smith can't remember many of the details of his whereabouts for the past year. Blah, blah, blah, Obama, blah, blah, blah was all that could be made out.

Aaron "Silky" Smith article appears in Awesome Weekly Magazine

All the news that's fit to print, he?  There was a recent interview of Aaron "Silky" Smith.  I copied and pasted it below.  I know you didn't see this article because you don't read this magazine.  Enjoy!

Awesome Weekly Magazine

11/14/08

By Ivana Schtoop

We have caught up with all-around phenom Aaron "Silky" Smith for an interview.  Here is what he had to say:

AWM: Why are you skipping the Dart Invitational?

Silky:  Why would I?  It's full of no-talent trash talkers.  I wouldn't be caught sober at that event.

AWM: Mike "Multiply" Crown is really smack talking.  What do you think?

Silky:  His nickname is "Multiply"?  I thought it was "zip my fly."  Now it makes sense.  He multiplies the pain in my caboose.

AWM:  He has already written you off from the tournament.  I'm sure you can't take that!

Silky:  He knows that if I show up that he'll think he is in Pamplona because he'll be looking over his shoulders wondering where all those bulls are coming from.  (Sheila, if you are reading this that means I will throw a lot of bullseyes.  Bullseyes are the...oh, forget it.)  Now if you'll excuse me, I am late for my parole officer meeting.

Altermatt's to replace Smith brothers

posted by rvb

I have recently been informed that John and Margaret Altermatt have decided to fill the opening created by the Smith brothers in the tournament.  I have been unable to find any verifiable background information concerning their dart prowess. They qualify under the "random Kubes' family member" clause with odds going off at 25-1.

Ken Smith missing since November 4

posted by rvb

Montana State Police continue their search for Ken Smith and vow they will not give up until they find him.   Police Chief Larry Dempster commented, "He seemed so happy right up until Tuesday, November 4, and since then he has not been heard from."  Smith's neighbor, Frank Walter, recalls hearing Smith mutter something about seeing him in 4 years.  Investigators continue to work to find a correlation.

Smith brothers to miss tourney

posted by rvb

I was able to catch up with Aaron Smith/Jason Smith earlier today to check on their status for the tournament.  " Oh yeah, we'll be there.  We purposely kept our schedule for Friday open."  When told Thanksgiving Day takes place on Thursday, Smith replied,  "Since when?" Unfortunately, both Smiths are scheduled for community service work on Thursday.